


ever just as strange

by cacodaemonia



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-18
Updated: 2014-05-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 13:59:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1651130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cacodaemonia/pseuds/cacodaemonia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yixing finds himself in a house inhabited by talking objects, trying to coerce him into falling in love with Joonmyun Kim, their wealthy employer, in order to lift their curse. Things do not go according to their plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ever just as strange

**Author's Note:**

> for [fanxingyou](http://fanxingyou.livejournal.com/)'s first exchange  
> 

"OH MY GOD," screeches Lu Han, skidding into the kitchen and banging into Sehun with a loud metallic clang. Sehun lets out a pained whimper. "THERE IS A GIRL AT THE FRONT DOOR."

"DON'T BE STUPID," Baekhyun says, clattering in a second after him. "It's a boy. He just has ridiculously long hair, don't tell me you don't remember your 'I am a lion trapped in the body of a wannabe manly man' stage."

"HEY! MY MANE WAS FANTASTIC!" Lu Han shouts.

"Shut up," Kyungsoo says. Quietly. Sweetly. "Or I will crush you all into little, tiny pieces."

His newly sharpened blade glints in the light. Baekhyun's crystals make little clinking sounds as he trembles.

"Righto!" Kyungsoo knocks his handle against the table twice. "We must make a meal to greet our guest. Make sure Minseok's at the ready to block the way out."

 

 

The front door is a heavy, rich wood, with an ornate jade dragon knocker on it. There's also a buzzer to the side of it, so Yixing goes for that instead.

Yixing is polite, so he waits for two minutes until he rings the buzzer again, and decreases his waiting time by half with each ring. He's reaching the chorus of an obnoxious pop song before the door swings open ominously.

"Hello?" Yixing calls into the dark. He pulls his hoodie closer to his body and snuggles into his scarf.

"HI! HI, COME IN," a voice says excitedly in the dark. Yixing is Pretty Sure that one of the rules of self preservation is to not listen to disembodied voices, but he's also lost deep, deep in a forest, in negative degree weather. His phone's out of battery, because of course he'd forgotten to charge it. Against his better judgement, he takes a few steps in. The door slams shut behind him.

"DON'T FREAK OUT!" the same voice tells him. "PLEASE! NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! WE ARE NOT GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Oh my god," says Yixing. "This is not how I was planning to die."

"You are so stupid," he hears another voice hiss in the background, followed by a yelp from the first. "GET THE LIGHTS, JONGDAE!"

"Alright, your majesty," a third voice mutters snidely.

Yixing blinks at the sudden brightness and when his vision refocusses he sees… a lamp? And a teapot? He looks around the room to find the source of the voices, but his search is unsuccessful. He does, however, see the refrigerator behind him, obstructing his escape route.

"HEY RIGHT HERE, BUDDY!" the second voice shouts, sounding affronted. Yixing turns his head back… to the lamp? The lamp shakes its crystals at him.

"Jeez," it says, swivelling to face the teapot. "You'd think that he'd never seen talking, animated objects before."

"I haven't?" Yixing offers.

'Oh," says the lamp. "Yes, that would explain it. Anyway, follow us! I'm Baekhyun, the head butler! This," it swishes its crystals in the general direction of the teapot, "is Lu Han. The nothing."

The teapot pours its contents over the lamp.

 

 

"I'm really sorry about that," the coatstand - Jongin - says bashfully as it hops down the hallway in front of Yixing. The carpet is plush, the kind of red that looks like it's seen better days. "It's been about two years since our last visitor. Baekhyun and Lu Han aren't the most tactile but door duty's been theirs ever since before."

"Before?"

"Yeah," Jongin slows a little. While the rest of him is a glossy cherry-coloured wood, one of his arms is singed black. "Before we all, you know, got turned into household items by a witch."

"Oh," says Yixing. "Right."

"Um, I'll let Kyungsoo explain it to you. Sorry about, um, kind of locking you in? We're desperate, really." Jongin speeds up again, making muted thumping sounds as he moves along.

"Kyungsoo?"

"Yeah, he's the cook. He's uh, very intimidating. But nice! Kind of."

 

 

Joonmyun Kim was the mostly handsome son of a wealthy businessman. He was a dick to some girl, and that girl's sister turned out to be a witch. Until he learns how to be a not-dick, and somebody falls in love with who he really is on the inside, instead of his dumb face-

"Which is difficult anyway now because he grew scales and a tail and a real cute pair of wings," Jongdae comments,

"Shut up, Jongdae," says Kyungsoo.

Jongdae cackles, but doesn't say anything more.

"Anyway, I was saying, we need somebody, meaning you, hopefully, to fall in love with the scaly dickbag that we are under the employment of, otherwise we stay like this! Forever! I do not want to be a cleaver forever."

"Or a frypan," Sehun adds from where he's sitting on the stove.

"And as much as I like being ubiquitous sometimes, there are things that I do not want to hear or see," says Jongdae.

"We just need you to try for two weeks," says Kyungsoo. "Just two weeks, and then we'll let you go, if you can't break the curse."

Yixing wrings his hands and thinks for a moment. "Alright," he says, and Sehun accidentally bangs himself against the wall in excitement. "I'll do it."

 

 

Jongin leads him to a bedroom, turning through enough corridors that Yixing thinks he had more chance of finding his way in the dark through the forest outside than he has now of finding his way back to the kitchen. Yixing's about to comment on it when Jongin tells him shyly that he'll come and get him in the morning, or alternatively, he could yell at Jongdae for help.

The room looks as luxuriously furnished as the rest of the place, but Yixing's eyes go straight to the bed. He's had a long day - a very strange day, with animated, talking (and singing - Baekhyun and Lu Han were screeching a duet at each other when he'd last caught sight of them) objects, a scaly lizard man, apparently, and a too big house. The only part of the day that wasn't strange, he supposed, was that he had gotten lost. A good night's sleep would probably do wonders and prepare him for meeting (and trying to fall in love with, but Yixing was trying to ignore that for now) Joonmyun. Yixing paused only to kick off his shoes before falling into the bed and wrapping himself in the blankets.

"Um, hi," a voice pipes up from beside Yixing. He yelps and almost falls off the bed in surprise.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Yixing says. He looks on the bedside table. There's a teacup, a book, and a lamp. "Which one are you?"

The teacup does a kind of shimmy. It's a delicate porcelain thing, decorated with gold and pink painted roses. "Sorry," it says, "I didn't mean to surprise you."

"It's cool," Yixing sighs. "One more doesn't hurt."

"So," the teacup shifts awkwardly. "Are you the new human recruited for our cause? I haven't really been in the loop because Baekhyun and Zitao teamed up and left me in here like three days ago. Teacups aren't very good at opening doors."

"That's terrible," Yixing says. "And I guess so. I'm Yixing."

"Yi Fan," the teacup says. "I'll let you get some sleep now. Sorry for interrupting."

"I didn't mind," Yixing replies, already falling into a deep sleep.

 

 

Kyungsoo has a Plan, that he has meticulously fine-tuned with every person that has had their hopes riding on them. The last time he had a Plan, they all got turned into household items ("Shut up, Jongdae!") but this time is different. He can feel it in his bones, or his nicely polished wooden handle - Yixing is different. Yixing is The One.

1\. Make sure there is no escape. Love takes time, longer than the five seconds that it takes for somebody to run screaming at the sight of talking objects.  
2\. Romantic candlelit dinners are key. Kyungsoo's Romantic Dinner Plans are flawless and the dim lighting somewhat hides the appearance of Joonmyun's scales.  
3\. Subliminal messaging and guilt tripping. While perhaps not the most ethical component of the Plan, Kyungsoo could not really care less, because they're getting pretty damn desperate.  
4\. Remind Joonmyun constantly to be more nice. You'd think half a decade as a lizard would mellow a guy out. It doesn't.

 

 

Yixing wakes up the next day because of the sunlight beaming in his face. He groans when he opens his eyes and shields them with his arm.

"Time to wake up!" Jongin tries cheerfully. Yixing's always been flexible, but he wonders at how easily he accepted the possibility of talking objects. "Time's a-ticking away."

"How did you even open the curtains?" Yixing asks, voice gravelly with sleep.

"Um," says Jongin. "I kind of twirl them like a fork, with spaghetti? Anyways, brunch is ready. We let you sleep in a bit."

"It's already half past eleven!" The miniature grandfather clock in the doorway chirps. Yixing isn't even surprised. "Hi," it says, "I'm Tao!"

"Hi," Yixing replies, feeling himself start to fall back asleep.

"Oh no you don't," Tao says, and promptly starts to clang away loudly.

 

 

Yi Fan hitches a ride in the front pocket of his hoodie.

"Don't worry," he utters assurances to Yixing as Jongin and Tao lead the way, "Joonmyun isn't that bad. And he actually looks very humanoid despite his extra appendages. His face is almost the same, just minus a nose and plus some scales! And Kyungsoo makes really good food."

When he gets to the dining table, there is indeed a spread of delicious-looking food. Way too much for just two people, but maybe lizard men eat more than normal ones? Joonmyun is sitting on the opposite side of the table, and Yi Fan was right - he doesn't look that terrible. Yixing's had some time to imagine what Joonmyun looked like, and his imaginations make the real Joonmyun look downright mild. When Joonmyun shifts, his scales catch the light in an almost breathtaking manner.

"Are you just going to keep staring," Joonmyun says, and Yixing can see the golden flecks in his eyes as he looks at him coldly, "or are you going to sit down and eat?"

Yixing smiles tightly and takes a seat.

"The problem with manners," Yi Fan mutters so that only Yixing can hear him, "is that Joonmyun kind of lacks them."

Yixing lets out a huff of laughter. Joonmyun seems to take offence and grimaces.

"Something funny?" he says gruffly.

"No," Yixing says, "not at all. I'm Yixing, nice to meet you."

"Joonmyun. Now that you've finally woken up and are deigning to dine with us common mortals."

Joonmyun isn't exactly a common mortal, but Yixing decides to be pleasant where Joonmyun isn't and doesn't correct him. He ignores Joonmyun and eats, but he can see Kyungsoo waving at him hopefully. Yixing grits his teeth and tries to make conversation.

"Um," Yixing says. "Your house is nice."

"It'll be even nicer when you're gone," Joonmyun replies. "You're a pretty big eyesore."

"Wow, asshole much?"

"I don't know, I don't think I have to be nice to trespassers."

"Sorry!" Kyungsoo says in alarm, attempting to break up the heavy atmosphere. "I get excited when I get to cook for people that might be more appreciative than Joonmyun. I didn't make too much food, did I?"

"Hey! I'm trying to do you a favour, you asswipe!" Yixing hears Kyungsoo sigh, but he's too angry to care.

Joonmyun turns his head. "I didn't ask for your help."

"No, you didn't. Your friends did. The friends who are stuck the way they are because of you."

"That's not really-" Kyungsoo starts, but Joonmyun cuts him off.

"They're not my friends," he says calmly. "They're just servants."

"Whatever," Yixing says. "I don't have to deal with your bullshit. I'm leaving."

Yixing stands up with enough force that he sends his chair skidding backwards.

 

 

"No wonder nobody has fallen in love with him yet," Yixing seethes, slamming his hand down on the table. Yi Fan shakes with the piece of furniture, and Yixing winces in apology. "His head is stuck so far up his ass. It's unbearable."

"He wasn't always so bad," Yi Fan says quietly. "Before, you know, he was only like this sometimes. When other people or his parents were around. When he was young, his parents pretty much threw him in a shark tank and told him to assimilate."

"Why is he so terrible now?" Yixing asks. "I think you all have more reason to be assholes than he does. He's the one that got you into this mess."

"He's angry at himself," says Yi Fan. "Because of that. And he's angry at Kyungsoo, because Kyungsoo's always trying to push all these people at him."

"That's stupid," Yixing says. "He's stupid. Of course Kyungsoo would - he doesn't want to be stuck as a knife for the rest of his life. He doesn't want the rest of you, including Joonmyun, to be stuck the way you are for the rest of your lives."

Yi Fan stays silent.

"Are you really leaving?" he asks after a while.

"What?"

"Before. You said you were leaving."

"I meant that I was leaving the room! I'm still going to keep my promise, even if that bag of dicks isn't cooperating."

"Oh," Yi Fan says, "Thank you." He trembles as he says it, the movement so minute that Yixing's not even sure if he's seen it properly.

 

 

Joonmyun doesn't come to breakfast the next day, so Yixing spends it talking to Yi Fan, Minseok and Sehun instead. Minseok misses his small stature pre-transformation ("I can't bloody get anywhere when I'm the size of the Titanic.") and Sehun is a sweetheart, but vicious when it comes to pranks ("Did I tell you about the time we suspended Baekhyun from one of the chandeliers?").

The morning after that though, Joonmyun's waiting for him at the table.

"Kyungsoo told me to say sorry," Joonmyun says upon Yixing's arrival. "So, sorry."

"Your apology, although pretty half-assed, is accepted," Yixing says. Fresh start, he reminds himself. "Do you always do what Kyungsoo tells you to do?"

"Actually," Joonmyun says, and there's traces of a wry smile on his face, "he said 'Some lizards can live without their tails. Wanna see if you can too?'"

"I see," Yixing says.

"Doing what Kyungsoo tells you to is pretty important for self-preservation," Joonmyun comments drily. "Hi, have we met before? I don't think so. I'm Joonmyun."

"Pleasure to meet you," Yixing replies.

Joonmyun tries not to be completely unbearable that day, and Yixing can see why so many people are still on his side.

 

 

Later, Joonmyun takes him on a very succinct tour of the house, skipping past most of the rooms. Yixing peeks into one of them as Joonmyun is talking and sees slashed walls and broken furniture. Joonmyun shows him only the living room and lobby where he'd first entered the house, before leading him to the library. "In case you're tired of my company," he tells Yixing.

"I don't know man, I'm pretty sure you're meant to be wooing me."

Joonmyun freezes for a moment so slight that Yixing isn't sure if he's imagined it or not, then kind of smirks. "I'm wooing you with my impressive book collection," he says, before excusing himself.

"Did I do something wrong?" Yixing asks Yi Fan, slight weight in his pocket having become something of a comfort. Yi Fan thinks for a moment before rustling around so that Yixing pulls him out and sets him on a table.

"Verdict?"

"Nah," Yi Fan says. "You're doing pretty alright. A lot better than some."

"What happened to all those rooms?" Yixing asks him.

"Joonmyun was," he pauses, tipping to the side a little as he thinks of the answer. "He was very angry when all of this first happened. Some of the rooms he destroyed then. Some later. And some of them, we destroyed. Not me, because I can't do anything like this. But Kyungsoo, Jongin, Sehun. Zitao and Minseok. I'm pretty sure Jongdae short-circuited some of the rooms, and Chanyeol for a while would get us to throw him things to set on fire.

"Chanyeol?"

"He's the fireplace in the living room. Jongin's boyfriend. Well, at least he used to be. I'm not really sure now."

Yixing's eyes widen in realisation. "His arm?"

"Yeah," Yi Fan says. "His arm. He didn't do it on purpose. Jongin got too close when he couldn't really control it yet. He's been pretty angry most of the time ever since. We mostly leave him alone."

They sit in silence for a while, Yixing resting his chin on his arms where they're folded on the table so that he's somewhere around eye level with Yi Fan. The little painted roses appear red now, instead of pink. Yixing wonders if that's something else that he'd imagined.

"Is it very different?" he asks. "Being a teacup."

"Ah, yes," Yi Fan says. "My erogenous zone is now the base of my handle."

Yixing makes a face. Yi Fan burst out laughing, full-bodied laughter that makes him clink against the table.

"I'm just kidding," he tells Yixing. "No human bodily functions, since we're not human-bodied. We can talk, and I can only jump and hop and slide around. I can't move parts of me, like Lu Han popping his lid when his angry or excited, or Baekhyun with his crystals, and he can swivel all his joints in their sockets. But I'm a tiny, delicate teacup, so. And Jongdae doesn't even have body."

"What is Jongdae exactly?"

"Yeah, it took us a while for us to figure out too. We're still not that sure. He's either the electricity or the automated light system. The Kim's had it so that you clapped to turn the lights on and off, but Jongdae doesn't really take our shit."

"Is it difficult?" Yixing asks, and then cringes at the stupidity of his question.

"Well you should've seen Kyungsoo when we first were turned. He chopped up a lot of pieces of furniture while he was trying to figure out how to move around." Yi Fan says it like he means it as a joke, but Yixing doesn't laugh. "It's difficult," he says. "But we've got to make the best out of the situation we're in. It's not where - what - we'd like to be, but for now, we're okay."

 

 

It's several nights later when Yixing is dragged to the dining room and greeted by a pretty excessive amount of roses and candlelight.

"Wait, we got this," Baekhyun says from where he and Lu Han are perched on the table, and they break into a romantic duet that sounds a lot better than the one they were singing more than a week beforehand.

"Baekhyun," Joonmyun says, and goes unheard. "Baekhyun!" he shouts, and they stop singing. "Thank you, but can Yixing and I have a moment alone please?"

"Oooooh," Lu Han and Baekhyun say together, before hopping out of the room giggling.

"So, Kyungsoo kind of forced me into this," Joonmyun says conversationally.

"Yeah, I thought so," Yixing replies

"Actually, he said 'Reptiles have times where they shed their skin. I think you're overdue for yours." Joonmyun grins, and the sight might've scared Yixing before, with the fangs and all. But he's gotten to know Joonmyun better and he's not nearly so frightening now.

Yixing laughs. "Kyungsoo wouldn't be able to get through to you without threats of bodily harm, would he?"

The thing is, now that Yixing knows Joonmyun better, he knows that he's not going to fall in love with him, nor Joonmyun him.

"Yeah," Joonmyun says, resting his chin in his hand. "Sorry for wasting your time."

"Nah, it's cool," Yixing says. "I've had an alright time being friends with you."

 

 

Yixing can't fall asleep that night. The moon is full and high in the sky, and Yi Fan is next to him, on the bedside table, like he's been every night since Yixing had come here.

"Yi Fan," he whispers. The light reflects off of the porcelain teacup, and for a moment, Yixing thinks he sees a ghost. He blinks and it's gone. "Why do I get the feeling that Joonmyun's never even tried? And I don't think I'm imagining that he's-"

"-in love with Kyungsoo?" Yi Fan interjects. "You're not. It doesn't matter if somebody else falls in love with him, because Kyungsoo's the one he wants. You told me before that it wasn't fair for him to be angry at Kyungsoo, and it's not. But he can't help it, really, because Kyungsoo's giving him everybody but himself."

"Kyungsoo's in love with him too," Yixing says, and it's not a question.

"Yes," Yi Fan agrees. "But that hasn't broken the curse, has it? Kyungsoo doesn't 'qualify'. There's a time limit. The sixth year is the last that we have the chance to be freed from the curse."

"Oh," says Yixing, "I- This is the sixth year."

"Don't worry, we'll let you go after the two weeks are up. We've all given up, mostly, except for Kyungsoo, and we know what it's like to be stuck in a situation you don’t want to be in with no escape."

"I tried," Yixing says, feeling terrible.

"That's all we asked," Yi Fan replies. "Do you want some tea to help you sleep?"

 

 

"I'm sorry," Yixing says. "I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I ever will be."

"I think I already knew that," Kyungsoo says. "It's Yi Fan that you like, isn't it?"

 

 

Kyungsoo throws him a farewell feast despite Yixing's objections.

("I don't think it's really something you want to celebrate," Yixing tells him.

"I think we should celebrate every chance we get," Kyungsoo says tightly.)

Yixing's already outside of the house when his pocket starts rustling.

"I have an idea," Yixing tells Yi Fan. "Can you help me?"

 

 

"Hello?" The voice on the phone is sweet, and definitively does not sound like a witch. But Yixing's never met one before, so he's pretty sure he doesn't qualify to pass judgement.

"Hi, is this Soojung Jung?"

"Um, yes," the girl - Soojung - answers. "Who's this?"

"I'm Yixing Zhang. You don't know me but I'm calling on behalf of Joonmyun?"

There's a static silence on the other end of the phone.

"Who?" Soojung asks.

"Joonmyun Kim? Dude you turned into a dragon because he was a dick to your sister?"

More silence.

"Which one?"

"You've turned more than one guy into a dragon because they were a dick to your sister?"

"Yeah, so what?" Soojung says, sounding annoyed. "She has terrible taste in guys and I give them what they deserve. Don't get testy with me because it sounds like you need my help, and you're not gonna get it if you're just going to insult me."

"Sorry," Yixing winces. "Um, Joonmyun. Orphan of a rich family? Lacking somewhat in stature and apparently good looking without scales? You turned his servants into household appliances? Gave them six years for a true love to come along, otherwise they'd be stuck as kitchen utensils forever?"

There's some more silence as Soojung thinks.

"Ooooooh," Soojung says. "Right. Yeah, I forgot about that. Is this the one that happened in '07 or '09?"

"'09?"

"Well, you haven't got much time left at all, have you? Look, Yi- whatever, you sound like a nice guy. I'll trust your judgement on this. Do you think Joonmyun's less of a dick now? Deserves to get changed back."

"He's kinda alright now, I think. But most importantly, it's not really fair to the household staff that they have to stay stuck like that?"

"I guess. Jongin was a sweetie," Soojung pauses, then clears her throat. "Right, all Joonmyun has to do is chop his left hand off and bury it under a rosebush."

"What?" Yixing sputters. Soojung lets out a peal of laughter.

"I'm just kidding. All you need to do is kiss him. Anybody could've kissed him, so long as it was on the lips. None of that cheek stuff."

 

 

"Joonmyun!" Yixing says, striding towards him, and the man turns to look at him in surprise.

"Yixing? I thought you were-"

"Sorry about this, but you'll thank me later," Yixing grabs Joonmyun's face between his hands. "I hope."

When Yixing opens his eyes again, it's to the sight of Joonmyun startled brown eyes.

"It didn't work?" Yixing mutters to himself, chewing on his bottom lip, but then Joonmyun cries out in pain.

"What did you do?" Joonmyun falls to his knees and Yixing rushes towards him.

"I don't-" he starts, but then he looks closer - the scales are beginning to slide off Joonmyun's face. "Oh my god," Yixing breathes. He sits there with Joonmyun as the scales peel off, until Joonmyun, naked skin pale and pink, is staring at his hands in wonder. He can hear footsteps thundering down the hallway, towards them, and the door flings open.

"Yixing!" and this tall stranger is Yi Fan, of course it is, this stranger with arrogant eyebrows and a stupidly small mouth. "Yixing, I could - I could-"

"Shut up," Yixing says, and pulls him in.

 

 

"Wait," Baekhyun says, from where he's sprawled in Jongdae and Luhan's laps. "You're saying that all of this time, we just needed a stupid kiss?"

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i need to stop signing up for exchanges with things i don't ship (or stopped shipping) oOP  
> (i am probably just going to messily finish off all my exo wips n post them... soon... because *The Kris Thing* didn't effect me that much and made me realise that uhh... i don't have the same feels... ya feel)


End file.
